When - "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" Doesn't Work by Paul
Barratt-Hassett
I’m sure we could all agree that the metaphor Men are form Mars and
Women are from Venus is a great model for helping with relationship
communication. After all it has out sold almost every relationship
communication type book ever written.
But what happens if this black and white, she says he says type of
communication doesn’t work for your relationships? After all in today’s
climate this way of thinking offers a limited view when in comes to
communicating in relationships.
Communication in our modern world.
The way we communicate today is becoming more and more complex, we are a
far cry from our parents and grand parents situation where the father
figure earned the daily bread and the mother figure stayed at home
preparing the meals, doing the cleaning and looking after the children.
Adding to this complex way of relating are the following:
A rising number of women in the work force who are career orientated (A
Mars type quality).
An increase in couples who are getting married later in life. (A rise in
mature aged singles)
More gay relationships developing with-in the community. (Mars with Mars
- Venusians with Venusians)
A new perspective.
Vampires, Victims and Sex maniacs is an exciting new universal model
that differentiates character types but does not differentiate gender.
You have character types that attract and character types that repel.
There are three main character types and they are Sex maniacs, Victims
and Vampires.
Sex maniacs are very reactive people. Their main focus is survival. If
they feel threatened they will become very aggressive and do whatever it
takes to survive. A sex maniac in a relationship will feel no guilt
about having sex with other partners. A couple who engage in a swinger's
relationship is a good example of sex maniacs. This is because sex
maniacs do not feel jealousy or possessiveness. They live in the
present. As long as their needs are met they feel no need to control
others.
Victims see life as a place where people are controlling, aggressive and
out to get them. Life seems unfair and, at times, hopeless. They are
often sick or in pain, have a lot of health issues and allergies and, in
extreme cases, life threatening diseases. Victims will look to others
for direction because they always need someone to blame if life turns
bad. They constantly attract into their lives circumstances, people and
events that victimise them and confirm their insecurities. In
relationships victims are often the ones who pick partners that cheat.
Vampires are controlling, manipulative and domineering. Vampires believe
unconsciously or consciously that others need to be controlled. This
need to control drives them to manipulate others for the purpose of
gaining power. In relationships vampires are the leaders, the decision
makers. Vampires are usually very good at covering their tracks. That
is, they justify their manipulative ways with quick-thinking jargon,
leaving you tongue-tied and confused or frustrated. Although their
justifications may make no real sense, you find yourself doing something
you didn't really want to do, you are intimidated and you do it to keep
the peace.
Forces beyond love.
You could say this attraction and repulsion works like metal being
attracted to a magnet or two magnets repelling each other. For example
if you were a big magnet (vampire) walking around in the domain of life,
you would attract into your domain all the metal (victims and sex
maniacs) floating around you. Alternatively, if you were a big piece of
solid metal (victim or sex maniac) living life in your own way, you
would find yourself being the catalyst of a magnetic (vampire)
attracting force. If an individual is expressing as a vampire (power)
and controlling others then you could say they are a living magnet. The
least resistant response of an individual engaged in this interaction is
to respond as either a victim or a sex maniac, thus giving up their
energy and, in a sense, becoming metal.
If there were a clash between like individuals, let’s say two vampires,
then the interaction creates friction (just as two magnets would repel
each other) until one of them gives up their energy and reverts to being
either a victim or a sex maniac.
Have you ever played with magnets? If you have, you would notice that if
you bring two magnets together, the like poles will repel each other, as
if an invisible force is preventing them from connecting. And if you
were to relax one of your hands that magnet would spin around and then
they would clamp together. As you know, this is because magnets have a
positive and a negative side and these attract each other.
The cause of conflict.
The same concept exists for human interaction – an invisible force is
either forceful towards you or taking from you. To demonstrate this,
following is a scenario that typically takes place in relationships.
Often, when couples first fall in love, there is a lot of giving and
sharing by both partners - giving affection, love and romance; sharing
fears, secrets and even everyday events. But for some couples, after a
period of time, this giving and sharing stops or slows down. Now the
focus of attention or energy starts to move from the partner in the
relationship back to oneself.
What then happens is a war of energy exchange between the couple until
one of the partners gives up their energy (becomes a victim) and the
other stays in control (the leader or decision maker) and the
relationship continues running smoothly. Alternatively, if the battle
continues and both want to be the decision makers, without agreement,
things continue to get nasty and being around each other is not so much
fun anymore.
Forces are about give and take, follower and leader, controlled and
controller. Some people like to be lead and guided through life and
equally some prefer to be the leaders. And in relationships - good ones
that is - there is usually one partner who is the leader and one who is
the follower. These types of couples clearly have good working
relationships, the energy exchange fits, there is no conflict, love is
flowing and everyone is happy.
Until such time as the follower becomes tired, fed up or even bored with
being the follower; being the one who has to sacrifice constantly. What
happens then? The conflict of energy exchange begins and this is often
when relationships go bad. Fights happen more frequently and love stops
flowing, thus the energy exchange changes. Often the energy drops from
love down into anger, hate or regret, and many couples go their separate
ways at this point in a relationship.
The many faces of love.
Paul claims that all three types need love, just in different ways.
A sex maniac needs to feel sexual pleasure to feel loved.
A victim needs to feel worthy to feel loved.
A vampire needs to feel important to feel loved.
And with love comes understanding!
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Authors Details:
E-mail:
relatingwell@relatingwell.com
Author’s URL:
http://www.relatingwell.com
Paul along with his partner Elise are running ‘the perfect relationship
challenge’ where they are coaching couples, needing help in there
relationships, from each major city onto the road to better
relationships. It is currently a free service and you can enter ‘the
perfect relationship challenge’ on line at
http://www.relatingwell.com
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About the Author
Paul along with his partner Elise are running ‘the perfect relationship
challenge’ where they are coaching couples, needing help in there
relationships, from each major city onto the road to better
relationships. It is currently a free service and you can enter ‘the
perfect relationship challenge’ on line at
http://www.relatingwell.com .
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